Actually all I am after are your ears this time, that is right I have been talking about it for some time butI have gone audio! The first of my TUSHIEcasts is up and on JK and at this point I am working on number two! so I will continue to post here when I have one so that people who don’t find me through JK can still enjoy my blog and those JK members will be able to find em on the homepage.
So come along and here a Brit accent rather than read bad Brit typing!
What do I know about dreams, well this comes under 3 headings itself, what I know about dreams as some one who has them, what do I know about dreams as a Psychology student and finally what do I know about dreams that come true.
Dreams as some one who has them.
If I was to tell everyone, or even most of you about some of the weird dreams that entered my head you would run away screaming for the men in white coats to take me away. I tend to enjoy the wacky ones, the ones which at first glance seem to hold no meaning, but I will discuss dream meanings later. What I love about my dreams that I have is that they leave me with a curious outlook, after a dream I start to think about the last few things it left me with, my mind wanders as I lie in bed for a moment. I do so enjoy those times when my mind gets to wander.
What do I know about dreams as a Psychology student.
I wanted to say Psychologist here, but it seemed a bit like false advertising. Well, first off I am no Freud, I cannot analyse dreams nor can I tell people what they mean, and if I am totally honest most of those interpretations will be different based upon any number of things. That is not the point though, as a psychologist I know that we only dream for a short part of our sleep cycle and that once we wake up our recollection of those dreams deteriorates and that to fill in those gaps we use our memories. I also know that anything from the clothes we wore to the last thing we were told can impact a dream from the smallest to the largest detail.
What do I know about dreams that come true.
Well here is why you have read those ramblings above. Dreams do come true, even the wacky ones that don’t make sense come true. What do I mean by this, well quite simply, we make them come true, something that we have dreamt has stuck deep inside us, so the choices we make, the things we do are done to make something from that dream come true. Why do I say this, well it is simple, I say this because it is my belief. Dreams, thoughts, hopes, beliefs and ideas. We all have these and they are ours, no one can take them away from us, no matter what they say. I have dreams and some have come true like being with my lovely darling kitty, and some are yet to come true.
So what is the point in this blog, well it is to remind my friends and everyone out there to keep on dreaming, to not stop those things that are truly theirs and no one elses.
A long title I know, but I couldn’t really sum this up in a few words. Before I could even start typing this I needed to open a bottle of beer and clear my head of a lot of other thoughts.
The reason for this blog actually started a in 2009 and it has only been recently that it was pointed out that this event is recurring. to put it simply, I was offered something at work and told “I had earnt it” and it was given to someone else while I was on leave because “we don’t feel that ***** would pass the other training so we are sending them on this one instead”. Yes I was bitter, but I got the last laugh when they failed that training as well, they did not get punished but I did feel a little smug inside. In my last blog post TFITW I mentioned about losing out on some opportunities due to leave. Well again I was told by my seniors ” We wanted you for this, in an ideal world I would take you to this training not *****”. At first I paid this no heed, and did not even consider that their was something not being said. Couple this with the general stress of having to run most of the sessions in a group, trying to find a new place to live, pass a driving test, get back on track with a diet, and receiving a letter of harassment, it has all been a bit to much for my 24yr old shoulders to carry.
Yesterday I spoke to my Mother about all of this and we had an intense discussion, about my future, how she hates knowing I am not happy and how at 24 I should not sound the way I do on the phone when discussing my life at the moment. After the discussion, and I had composed myself I began to think about the two things mentioned in the title. I used to be a big believer in Free Will, the power of our choice, the freedom we have in the world and that we are responsible for our choices because we chose them. After I had spoken with my mum and she had mentioned the word Destiny, I begun to think about it. Do I have those choices, was this all determined long before I took this job. I made the choice for the holiday, paid for my accommodation, travel weeks before the training was set. So maybe that decision was taken out of my hands, maybe it was destiny that decided I would not go on that training.
I spent a few hours with ym emotions going up and down and raging throughout my head, my belief in Free Will being shook like never before by this gut wrenching idea that I was being led down this depressing path and had no control to get out of it. That is a feeling I can’t really describe, to feel like you are at a dead end but that you are still moving forwards towards that brick wall, the mind wanders to the darkest of places and you fight to pull it back.
I am lucky, I win that fight more often than not, my self destructive habits are few, yeh I over eat, I pick at the dry skin on my lips rather than take a razor blade to my wrist and I turn in on myself, lashing out at me rather than those around me who I care for. In the end I am no better than some of the people on my courses, I to have emotional control issues, I might not be beating up people, but I am beating up myself, and the bruises, they do fad but they take years, the scars are deep and red but no one gets to see them, not unless I decide to open myself up to them.
I never really saw who won the boxing match, I know that Destiny delivered a haymaker and uppercut that would have floored some of the boxing greats, but I always saw my Free Will as a mix of some of my heroes, the speed on his feet of Muhammad Ali, the adaptability in a fight of Bruce Lee and a power that cannot be contained, the power of my Imagination.
So what is next for me, well I for one am hoping my Free Will is left standing, and that I choose my own destiny, whether that is to stay where I am for a while and see what happens or if it is to try something new. I know I am not the smartest man alive, nor do I have a thousand talents, I am not what you would call gifted for sports, music or art. I am however a man of passion and pride, I do whatever I do to the best of my ability, I don’t make a song and dance of it, I get on with my job, and (to quote a few people, but in my mind I am doing this as The Rock from WWE)… When all the dust has settled, when the smoke has cleared, when the lights come back on I am left standing, I am left surviving and I am holding that WWE championship belt…. wait thats not it… I am holding on to what matters to me the most, my respect for my self, and for those I care about.
Thank you for reading this, I have left with a song here and again this highlights my eclective love of music. This is a song by a rapper called Twista, it is called Hope featuring Faith Evans, and it was used in the Film Coach Carter. For a rapper who has made some songs that are both dirty, grimey and heavy this was a beautiful song that I loved. I hope you enjoy.
Well I figured as I wasn’t just thankfull it was Friday I decided that it was more appropriate to do a Thank Fuck It’s The Weekend post instead.
Wow what a week it has been, first finding out that on one of the few occasions I book Holiday aside from the major Holidays (the big three being around my Birthday,Great British Beer Festival and the Return to Canterbury in Oct) they organise the training I was earmarked for, this includes being given the chance to become a trainer for other facilitators, which would kick ass on any CV or resume for the murricans. Then we had “Team Day MOT’s” where we were asked questions about our working life to determine issues and stresses. While I did my best to not make it sound like I am as burnt out as I feel sometimes I have spent last night and this morning thinking whether or not I should have said some of what I did, or should I have said more about some people. All these wonderful thoughts in my head and then I have the oddest time trying to view 2 potential new places to live.
Firstly the lovely woman from the estate agents seemed to have no idea where she was going to get to either property, she didn’t seem to know much about either. Then the Landlord at the second property spent all the time flirting with her! Didn’t even really try to show me the property or try to sell it, I found out this morning though that this is because he is ideally looking for a female room-mate as his own private advert on a different site was a little different to the one done through the company, almost made it sound like their would be another female in their for the new potential female tenant…. might let the estate agents know this.
So I am definitely happy that it is the weekend, no scratch that I am over the fucking moon that I have some time to relax, even have a haircut booked for 2pm today. Stress might not be a killer but it certainly gives a sleeping pattern a kick in the balls. So it is a good reason for a drink if their ever was one.
So how will I spend my weekend, well firstly today I will be having a few drinks while playing I have never in JK, that is right the drinking game is being played in chat tonight at 1opm. I have included links to JK, the chat and the forum discussing the game in my blog so readers can zap right in.
Finally I want to leave a message to my darling kitty, she has been amazing this week, she has had a tought time herself but she has been with me through it all and has been so loving and caring. My kitty has been so wonderful and has been more than I could ask for in a friend, girlfriend and more.
I hope that I will see some of my readers tonight in chat and that we have a good time playing a very fun game. No song to end on today I am afraid but don’t worry I will have one for you all to enjoy soon.
I don’t think I have ever been so thankful it is friday! This week started off amazingly, with Valentines day which I got to spend with my lovely kitty, and for those who have not seen she wrote a beautiful post that summed up her feelings… something I have not done but why that is will become clear by the end of tomorrow. Then the week continued, all fairly normal really untill a couple of days ago when something at work happened that really shook me and a few others up. Suffice to say due to where I work and the nature of it I cannot discuss what happened so please don’t ask.
What I can discuss though is how I felt, and that is an overwhelming urge to go home… and I don’t just mean to where my bed and laptop happen to be, but I mean to that one place where no matter what happened that day you feel at home, you feel at peace, happy and like all the problems have vanished. You probably all can think of that place, and I bet for some of you it might not even be your actual home but a particular area where you feel all those things and more. It may even be a particular seat in a building or your bed. It most likely has a particular person there to, someone to talk to hold and share your worries with. My thoughts were mixed, I thought first of home in London, with my family and close to my friends, the place I know and where nothing is strange or alien to me. Secondly I thought of my digital home, JK, I have so many friends and met some amazing people on JK that I often feel at home when on the chat welcoming people to the site and telling them about it or just chatting about anything with the wonderful regulars. The third thing I thought about was my kitty, I wanted so much to tell her and be with her because I knew it would all go away with her by my side.
After a looong day and night I went to bed thinking that maybe home is never one single place, in fact maybe we really do carry our home with us and leave a little bit in places where we want to return to, so in that way we always have a place to go to, and yes sometimes that place is in our minds eye but at the same time it is as real to us as the warmth of the sun or the coolness of a breeze (or freezing if you are in the moors like me!). So let us all say Thank fuck It’s Friday and lets all go home, where ever that may be for you.
One last thing, given my week I knew I needed to relax and find something to be happy about, for those who know me I may have mentioned I love anime so I have watched/am watching the 3 Bleach movies. for that reason the song I leave you with today is one of those from the anime Bleach… don’t worry it is in English. I hope that you will give the video a watch because maybe it might show you my readers a little bit about me, and what I enjoy, also the song is Aaaamazing!
so here it is Number One.
Yes, here I am with a burger and a beer relishing in the 
delight that is Friday night, it doesn’t matter where you work, who you work for or even if you like your job Friday night is a haven, a holy land, that last crisp at the bottom of the packet when you thought there were none left.
So why this week am I so happy it is Friday, well first off it has been a week of working longer hours than I had planned, never a good thing especially when you share an office with someone who tries to stab others in the back to further their own career but enough of that, work is over and for two days its none of my concern. Secondly the weekend is the time I get to be with my kitty, we can spend a lot more time together on Saturdays and I am not as tired in the evenings so we get those together too.
What about Fridays in general, well I suppose looking at the world I see, Friday is that time to let it all out, not just the stress but that sense of fun that you’ve kept bottled up during the working week, all those jokes you can’t say because that person at work never has a sense of humour, all those songs you want to sing but don’t because you might get odd looks in the traffic or on the bus on the way to work (we all have them… mine is usually a rap song… white men from England really do look odd singing hardcore gangster rap). So this post is to all those people who work a Mon-Fri 9-5 job, It Is FRIDAY let loose, have fun and do what ever you want, because for two days it is the weekend and no one will ask you to do some report or to call some client to tell them some bad news.
(A side note for those who work weekends…. Thank you, without you we would go insane! I hope that all those reading this remember to smile at those who work on the weekends and if you can cheer them up with a Thanks, or a smile or even a joke, because it’s thanks to them we get our beer or wine or voddyka.)
Fridays used to be the night to party, and while I don’t get to go out as much as I once used to I do still enjoy myself and take every chance to go back to London for a weekend on the town hitting those clubs I love. So while I may be in the styx of Devon I still love to party so tonight here is a taste of the tunes coming from my place, a song to get anyone in the mood to dance the night away, well in fact two of them and while you may see these titles and scream “noooooooo” I urge you give in to the guilty pleasures and enjoy..
Rappers Delight-Sugar Hill Gang
and
Have a great Friday everyone, and most of all make the most of the weekends… Monday comes round all to quick.
Extra Extra
Read all about it…. the Tush has returned in a brand new style!
So first thing first, greetings to the new readers and yay to the old ones who have come back. secondly why a new blog??? Well first off I am not the old blog anymore, I will explain why in this post a little later, secondly I think listening to Kevin Smith’s podcasts (check them out on itunes) and reading his own blog has taught me a few things which I think I had been forgetting, and for that reason I wanted to make a new blog.
This blog will stand as a few things, it is going to be a way of keeping myself accountable for my weight loss, usually it would just be me who see’s the numbers on the scale and no one else really knows how much I have gained or lost. In this blog each week starting from next Thursday I will post about my weight loss, how I found the week and also any new recipes and tips I have found.Eventually I will also include some kinky recipes, a way to make food more than just a basic need. With this I have to make a confession, I stopped going to Slimming World last October and sadly I lied about this to a few people. Why did I do this, well I had a tough experience back in London and it knocked me and my confidence quite bad and
I lost faith in why I was doing Slimming World and my diet. Even when I met with my kitty in December I was still off the rails when it came to my diet. Oddly enough it was listening to some podcasts and in fact bumping into someone from the Slimming World I used to attend which made me think about what I was doing, I had made some great achievements not just in my weight but also in my confidence. So I am now starting my diet again and properly, I will be going to the gym at my work every Friday lunch and going for a walk on the Moors on Sundays.
Thats not the only reason for a new blog though, I feel that I can use a blog the way I always wanted to, to write about my life, explain my thoughts and at times go on very long, pointless rambles about things that went through my mind, after all thats what the internet does, it gives people a place they can ramble on and on about whatever they want. So not only will I start doing more of what I enjoy by letting my mind and imagination run free I will also be sharing it with all those who wander my way.
Before I finish the first addition of the TUSHIE Express I would like to thank those from Just Kinky who have been great friends to me, they know who they are because they are reading this blog… I hope…. One in particular has already been mentioned, she is my kitty, my friend, my girlfriend and so much more. She has been such a support to me and she has made me so happy and has shown me that I can meet some one who is beautif
ul inside and out, even though she still doesn’t see it all the time. In December I was lucky enough to meet her and I finally felt like I was loved and cared for. I also got to cuddle and hold her hand and kiss her all I wanted, I cannot wait to get to do that again 
.
So Welcome to my journey and more than that I hope by joining me and reading my blog you will feel that you two can share whats going on in your head with people, even if it is just one person trust me it is worth it.
I was always told to end with a song, so here goes, I may not be single but it is still Return of the Mack
